Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

   Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

   If the cops don't know about your man beating you, I shouldn't either.

   Sorry hitchhiker dude. You have a better chance getting a ride from a deer.

   How much for the horse tornado?..... Sir, That's a carousel..... Hmmm, I must have it.

   Eating Taco Bell for the 5th night in a row... BTW, your colon grows back right?

   The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.

   I think my neighbors just cut down all their trees, just so they could get a better glimpse of me spying on them.

   I don't hold grudges but my ignore game is beast mode

   Clean bill of sexual health. C'mon ladies, I'm marginally better than loneliness!

   When Obamacare kicks in, I gets free healthcare, Right? Axing for a friend...

   If you've got a big butt, show it off. If you've got a big chest, show it off. If you have a big belly, keep that covered up.​

   I love how people b*tch on h3re about stealing a stat from a webs!te or a person. Like, WTF are you doing on T Js anyway? I'm pretty sure your h3re to steal a stat.

   I like my job. You might say I'm a gruntled employee.

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   what does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.

   If Obama had a son, would he look like the murderer of that Austrailian kid??

   My outdoor patio furniture is breaking on me now. My transformation into "white trash" is almost complete!!

   When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would make to her life. My concern was how would she cope now that she was single....