Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many of these cats do I have to glue together before I have a tiger?

   Things I wish I could unsee: 1. Miley Cyrus twerking 2. Miley Cyrus riding that foam finger 3. Miley Cyrus

   Cats know. I don’t know what it is they know, but they know it and they’ve known it for a while. They know.

   Dear Miley, there were at least 4 things missing from your VMA performance - Talent, Dignity, Grace and Self Respect.

   Her: Why do you love me? Him: because you have sex with me. Her: You could have sex with other girls, too. Him: I can?? Sweet!! Her: That’s not what I meant. Him: OK…then, I love you.

   Jesus saves. He shoots. He scores!! (watching Mexican soccer.)

   If a guy blogs for any reason other than getting snatch, he probably doesn't like snatch...

   I'm passed out drunk on the side of the road to success.

   When a woman smiles for no reason, I assume she just had that good sex, has good meds or is deciding what to do with my body.

   After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.

   The problem with us guys, is that we'd rather go for the hot chick rather than the cool one...

   we can all talk smack about miley, but we all know if given the option and if no one would find out, we would hit that pancake A ss

   I have heard of videos going viral, but now it hurts when I pee..

   Have you ever woken up from a nightmare, looked around you, and then wished that you were back in the nightmare?

   Miley's a$$ is so flat it looks like a backwards cameltoe!!

   Parent: "Who's the $5 hooker on meth?" -Miley Cyrus .... "Way to go Disney"

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.

   Was described as a great dad by my son, further proof that children have horrible judgement.

   You couldn't handle five minutes in my head.

   MTV still has VMAs? They don't even play music! The Food Network should hand out awards to top athletes then or something equally as stupid .