Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.

   Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.

   I wonder how long it will take for the Adult XXX 'Hannah does Montana' video series to come out?

   If you are a dog catcher and don't have a "pug life" tattoo you are doing the whole life thing wrong.

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   After the VMAs people everywhere are saying that Miley Cyrus is the most talentless, disappointing girl in the music industry... I'm sorry, but please don't take that title away from Justin Bieber..

   "Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds"~~John Lennon....world's worst Clue player

   Seems like everything is going according to plan as usual. The media is distracting the public masses with Miley Cyrus, not seeing that the U.S. is gearing up for another useless war with Syria....'They' got you by the balls.

   Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

   They pull a trumpet, you pull an oboe. He sends one of yours to the mezzanine, you send one of his to the loge. That's the philharmonic way.

   All these survival TV shows are really helping thin the herd!!

   Dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT??

   In other news....Hannah Montana changes her name to Hannah Idaho.

   Gee. And I thought twerking was short for Networking. That explains all the dirty looks I got at last week's staff meeting.

   Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.

   twerking just shaking your ass? Why did we need a new word? Ass-shaking has served us well for centuries.

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.

   Syria says it will not use chemical weapons against its own people."No need really, Bombs and bullets seem to do the job just fine."

   Fox News is blaming Obama for Miley's twerking.

   I just saw a commercial for Air Wick's new National Parks scents...does this mean that they've added a "hint of smoke" smell to Yellowstone's fragrance?