Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without sex and alcohol and the other 50% happy.

   Weed and Gay marriage are now legal in Colorado. The Bible says if a man should lay down with another man let him be stoned. Now it makes sense. I've been reading wrong all these years.

   HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.

   A girl came up to me in a bar last night and said, "Do you want me to show you a good time?" Excited, I said, "Yes." Then she ran 100m in 8.73 seconds...

   I dont understand....if you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass

   A marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity

   I never said she was a prostitute, all I said was she used her panties as ankle warmers!

   A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. What an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot!

   I prefer products that say virgin on it, like extra virgin olive oil, cause I don't want to buy a slutty oil made from slut olives.

   I'll bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.

   Just visited Facebook backstage. Great atmosphere: everyone rehearsing jokes, cooking up a storm, editing cat videos, and training for next week's arguments.

   Ya know, I think Mummies get a bad Wrap.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flinstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard

   I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

   My dad used to beat me with a camera and I have pictures to prove it.

   Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.

   I suffer from amnesia and dejavu...I think I have forgotten this before...

   My teeth are so white, they had slaves in the 1800s.

   If Nike made condoms, would their advertizing slogan be "Just do her."?