Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   Ladies, clear plastic bra straps make some of you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   so a pony doesn't grow into a horse?

   I had my ex for dinner to discuss some things and she told me the dinner was amazing. Little did she know my tears seasoned that steak.

   Nice night for a swim...in a pool of vodka and bad decisions.

   If you like my girl and you richer than me then we can share her it's really not that serious

   There's hungry and there's hungry enough to eat microwaved french fries hungry...

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.

   Maybe we should just call her ''Horny Montana''

   Scientists officially confirm the discovery of Element 115. Great, now I'm going to have to get my Periodic Table tattoo redone.

   she said she was not comfortable watching me masturbate. So I told her to take a different bus.

   If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs

   Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!

   Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.

   I'm way way way more concerned about the adults still writing think-pieces today on Miley Cyrus than Miley Cyrus.

   Not to brag or anything, but my bank balance is over $100k (the k is silent).

   If it takes more than a restraining order to keep you away, lets get married because devotion like that is rare.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s ass would look better in those shorts.