Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, my girlfriend asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.

   Pretending that your problems are not really there do not make you sane. You have to stick your fingers in your ears and hum also.

   Even with a privacy fence, I don't think it is safe for the neighbor woman to sunbath topless in her back yard...I almost fell off of the my roof 3 times last week.

   Since the divorce, the only pick-up line I can think of is, “Would you consider yourself a litigious person?”

   I would like to congratulate my ex's new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.

   There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And single men who own cats!

   When a skinny chic asks you if you think she’s gotten fat the best response is to lift her, put her on your shoulder and throw her off a cliff.

   Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.

   "Let me put you in a better mood" - vodka

   Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.

   Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.

   "Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."... "Hmm,, Sounds like Irritable owl syndrome".. Doc prescribes a Tootsie pop...

   *An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónson? There's no easy way to say this..... Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."

   it just me or does the new pitch-man in the Vonage commercials look like a crazy Irish homeless caveman??

   I want you all to know that this will be my last joke on here because I am going to die at midnight tonight as a result of not forwarding chain mail.

   Bored at work? Put some habanero hot sauce in the office ketchup bottle. Still bored? Pour it in the office coffee pot.

   I am Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad.

   Wanna come over and watch porn on my 72 inch flat screen mirror?

   Her: "Do I look, like, fat?" Brain: no, no, no, no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING. Mouth: "Like a fat what?" Brain: Oh dear God

   Taking awful cold medicine as a kid taught me how to take shots in college.