Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man’s best friend: Guy who drinks with him. A woman’s best friend: Woman she hates when she leaves the room.

   I'm not saying my eyesight is getting worse but yesterday in the car I spent 15minutes letting an echidna cross the road......then I realized it was a pine cone!

   Having just watched Kim Kardashian in Tyler Perry’s Temptations, I have come to the conclusion that her sex tape is the closest she should have been allowed to acting. Damn you Tyler Perry.

   thats what I like the most about you..the way you constantly enter and exit my life..

   It seems like everyone is in a relationship or in love and I'm just here like, “I like that tree. That's a nice tree.”

   Redneck word of the day: MORON. Usage: "Hey ma, Miley has moron her plate than me!"

   So let me ask you guys... I don't hear anything about Farmville these days. Did you guys sellout to Monsanto?

   That one ex you don't want the world to know you dated.

   When will one of our Allies step in and help us out ? Obama has done more damage here than any weapon of mass destruction ever could have !!

   It's funny how many streets are named for the kind of trees chopped down to pave them.

   Okay so you wake up to a naked Mickey Rourke in your bed....what mixture or drugs and alcohol do you take to kill yourself?

   long range weather forcast for Damascus, Steel rains gonna fall

   My Syria plan: Give weapons to both sides. Let them annihilate each other. Smoke a cigar with Benjamin Netanyahu....

   "We're so in Love." - People that I hope get hit by a bus.

   Anyone knows how taco shells make it through days on a shelf of a warehouse without breaking, but as soon as it ends up on my plate with some meat in it, it falls apart into pieces? (-__-)

   Labor Day weekend: Three fun-filled days followed by progressively worsening weather and darkness at 3:30pm.

   If you don't want me to bring party hats and confetti, don't include the word 'party' in "Search Party."

   If the U.S. decides to strike Syria because they used chemical weapons on their own people, I suggest we launch a few Patriot missles on Monsanto for doing the same thing to us.

   My wife says I treat her like a child. ha kids these days

   Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?