Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mind if we invade Syria as long as the President is out in front leading the charge.

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   Baghdad / Done , Damascus / Under Process - Cairo / Next

   When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.

   I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl.

   It's Nursing home in Africa hot outside.

   Someday I want to run through a field of marijuana.

   Go to church dressed as a superhero. They believe in the existence of a magical guy in the sky so your Superman outfit will fit right in.

   If you open Internet Explorer and listen carefully, you can hear the computer whisper “Kill me now, please!!.”

   pallbearers help us crowd surf into the afterlife

   I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

   "safe days" is a ploy by women to trap men with pregnancies. everyone knows women cant do maths

   Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?

   Although the U.S. attack on Syria sounds like good news, we can't be fooled by it. When did the U.S. attack a country just to free it?

   For any fool complaining against foreign intervention in Syria, it's a bit too late. Iran and "Hezbollah" have been in Syria since the beginning of this conflict.

   What you feed your mind determines your appetite.

   hoping no kids wish me a happy father's day today.

   My girlfriend fell out of the bed naked last night...Does the 5 second rule still apply?

   Don't let your enemy use your energy against you.