Funny Status Messages

   If I ever ask how your day is going, any response other than "fine" will be considered an act of aggression.

   Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.

   I don't like the word “religion.” I prefer “Mandatory imaginary fun time or we kill you.”

   Ladies,there's something called "you can't get pregnant through the mouth".

   My favourite sexual position is 'The Obama'. It's where I choose someone who promises me wonderful things but over time screws me over.

   " OMG ... I would kill for another Nobel Peace Prize. " Barack Obama

   Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   I don’t trust banks. I keep all my sperm in a sock under my mattress.

   Just found a Fruit Roll-Up in my pocket, which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt in their lunch box.

   Wow, you couldn't win your online argument so you decided to correct their grammar. You really showed them, you're so god damned thug life!

   Fellas......if she wears bracelettes she's most likely in to handcuffs too. Run like hell.

   ♬ Boots on the ground, boots on the ground, looking like a fool with boots on the ground! ♬

   Use the work "asterisk" in a sentence: I regret that I have but one asterisk for my country.

   One of these days I will burst into flames, like Ghost Rider, and steal the souls of those who toss cig butts out of moving vehicles.

   For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!

   I don't sign anything without pretending to read it first.

   Sorry but if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a falcon then it shouldn't be called a dog.

   It takes all of my self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.

   Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.