Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds"~~John Lennon....world's worst Clue player

   Seems like everything is going according to plan as usual. The media is distracting the public masses with Miley Cyrus, not seeing that the U.S. is gearing up for another useless war with Syria....'They' got you by the balls.

   Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

   They pull a trumpet, you pull an oboe. He sends one of yours to the mezzanine, you send one of his to the loge. That's the philharmonic way.

   All these survival TV shows are really helping thin the herd!!

   Dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT??

   In other news....Hannah Montana changes her name to Hannah Idaho.

   Gee. And I thought twerking was short for Networking. That explains all the dirty looks I got at last week's staff meeting.

   Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.

   twerking just shaking your ass? Why did we need a new word? Ass-shaking has served us well for centuries.

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.

   Syria says it will not use chemical weapons against its own people."No need really, Bombs and bullets seem to do the job just fine."

   Fox News is blaming Obama for Miley's twerking.

   I just saw a commercial for Air Wick's new National Parks scents...does this mean that they've added a "hint of smoke" smell to Yellowstone's fragrance?

   Christmas will be here sooner than you think. Forget the gifts and commercialization, make it a time to be Merry. Unless you live in San Francisco....then make it a time to be Mary.

   The U.S. is ready to launch a strike on Syria to help restore peace in the country. You know, like they did with Iraq and Libya.

   The most awkward conversation must have been between the guy who invented toilet paper and the first person he told about it.

   Be wary of programmers bearing screwdrivers. Be VERY wary of programmers bearing soldering irons.

   Ok so America is attacking Syria for the chemical gas thing but who's attacking America for the Miley Cyrus thing?

   I have not heard a single person mention a music video in the discussion of last night's VMAs.