Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boys don't make passes at girls with flat asses, pass it on.

   To all you that think you can sing and/or rap. You can't. Signed: everyone.

   If Drake rapped about coming out of the closet: I started as a bottom, now I'm queer!

   97% of women over the age of 25 who have "never done that before" have done that before.

   A memory of grade school math just popped into my head. The images I associated with the alligator eating the larger numbers still haunt me!

   My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   I don't know how to break this to you... I will be as gentle as possible... *smiles lovingly*... but today isn't Friday yet either...

   I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

   I told my mate that I met Robert De Niro once. He said, "Really, what was your impression of him?" I replied, "You talkin' to me...?"

   I wonder how much they pay Stephen Hawking to make those severe weather announcements on the radio?

   Apparently Ariel Castro recently changed his Facebook status to 'Swinger' and now he wont return my phone calls!

   If you want the most accurate, real-time weather reports, look out your damn window.

   If your boyfriend answers your text while playing Call of Duty, he doesn't love you. He just died on the game.

   Dear sluts, This might come as a surprise to you, but your boobs go inside your shirt. Just kidding, show me your tiitties

   would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already

   My crash diet just crashed face first into a bacon double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.

   Dear Canada, you can stop emailing me. We have pharmacies here, too...

   What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of sperm and makes women scream? The sock under my bed.

   Building credibility on Facebook is like having sex with a blow up doll and telling people you get laid all the time!

   I call my pen*s 'caution' because when I throw caution to the wind at least it gets blown.