Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't confuse the words “poisonous” and “venomous.” Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…

   It's really crazy that you don't heara round of applause every time youorder a salad.

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   This went from the funniest site to the worst site fast

   What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?

   Wake me up when everything isn't pumpkin flavored.

   How so you fit 4 gay guys on a stool? flip it over

   I am so homophobic that I don't even like touching myself.

   I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...

   Sunday night Football on NBC, Al thinks Chris is as gay as can be

   "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Pardon... Sorry..." Canadian bumper cars...

   firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

   You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.

   Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life so don't be that person that uses stupid cliche's. That's what I'm sayin! You know what I mean??

   It's weird how you can listen to a song, and it brings you back to a time and place you want to forget. Yet you miss it at the same time.

   10 year old girls are crying because they broke up with their boyfriend. When I was 10 I cried because I missed the morning cartoons.

   There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.

   Instead of Bruno Mars performing at the Super bowl it should be Mick Mars and Motley Crue.

   A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious"