Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We get it. You think you're hot. After 6,000 selfies we're still not convinced.

   You have cunninglus licked once you get past the smell.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   You lose your wallet on the bus,,,, later, you see the same bus wearing a new pair of sunglasses, and a gold watch

   I hate when you’re having sex and after an hour or so, you realize it’s only been 32 seconds.

   I swallowed my pride once and it tasted like Vodka.

   I don’t believe in religion, I believe in God

   Are you waiting with baited breath because it sure smells like it.

   I don't care what your birth certificate says, If you have long hair you’re a lady as far as I am concerned.

   The worst form of Alzheimer's is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

   Wear your socks to bed, so I know you have no interest in having sex.

   I'm on my 5th coffee, just in case you're wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .

   I got more moves than a bucket of worms

   I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?

   I'm going to trade in my "I'm stupid" t-shirt for the fancy "I'm with stupid" one.

   t’s true we don’t know what we’ve got until its gone, but we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives

   f a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

   It’s crazy that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it’s “art” and “music”…. but if I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot