Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just looking for a nice girl who can peel a banana without using her hands or teeth.

   My last girlfriend said I was too immature. She dumped me during a game of hide and seek I forced her to play. I searched for days.

   If you're happy and you know it go away.

   My name is Brian but my friends call me when they need a favour.

   i set my dvr to record the bigest loser and all I get is dallas cowboys games

   Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.

   I don't care how awesome your cat is, you're just someone with a box full of $hit in your house.

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   After 39 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out.

   or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

   BREAKING: Study shows several boys not brought to the yard, despite allure of milkshake.

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"

   Huck this is an intervention "ok to who's wedding" no thats an invitation "aliens?!" thats an invasion "how--" HUCK YOU NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY

   it normal to vomit every time you imagine having sex with someone? Asking for myself.

   Seems like people waiting for Mayweather to lose a fight will have to wait a little bit longer, that is if they don't die of old age first.

   I'd give Floyd Mayweather another $75 if he turned around and knocked Justin Bieber clean out of the ring.

   Justin Bieber probably payed Mayweather to walk next to him.