Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the U.S. were worried about Assad killing people it would've intervened along time ago. The chemical weapons put Israel under a threat.

   Cancer is the Syria of diseases.

   i don't know how to work the panoramic options on my phone so I'm not gonna be able to send all you wanted to see in one picture..sorry

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.

   People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.

   saying Cray Cray makes me want to stab you in the fay fay.

   Dentist: "If it hurts, just imagine yourself on tropical isle lying under a palm tree." Dentist: "Does that help?" Me: "Yeah, except every 2 seconds a coconut falls and hits me in the mouth."

   I play hopscotch all the time! I also play hopvodka, hoprum, and hoptequila.

   education should be free for those willing to learn

   We’re all photogenic on the millionth try!

   In my opinion, my opinion is so much better than your opinion!

   One man’s trash is another man’s daughter.

   My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

   The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

   Phillip is cryin a River after that Texan sized ass whoopin

   Hey, Apple: Don't waste my time with this iPhone 5S unless it's learned that nobody's ever typing "ducking he'll."

   It's a big turn off when a woman takes out a restraining order against you... but it's definitely not a deal breaker.

   Note to self: Don't flirt with unstable girls. They take you serious.

   Walking calmly and nonchalantly to the bathroom and then fighting to get my britches down in record time so's I don't poop down a pant leg seems to be among my most recent list of super powers today. Life is good ツ

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don't you ever smile in my pictures?