Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.

   I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus

   Reality is for people who don't eat bacon!!'

   When a girl says, "I'd rather we just stay friends," what she really means is, "I'd rather just date someone attractive."

   how many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I'm trying to take my diet seriously now.

   If you shoot a spider, the sound will make your neighbor call the cops. So shoot your neighbor instead, cause the spider won't call the cops

   You always know when random, clean, friendly people come talk to you in the street it's because they want you to join their religion.

   Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

   Falling in love on the internet is a lot like running on a treadmill for an hour and expecting to be ANYWHERE else!

   I would totally be in a relationship right now, but I prefer sex without complications.

   Miley Cyrus sounds like the name of an adorable virus.

   I'm eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes. THEY'RRRRRRRRRE ok, I guess.

   We do not realize that one day, a guy suddenly had the idea to put a thermometer in the butt of someone. And that person said yes.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you

   FACT: Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.

   Repeat after me: It doesn't matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won't solve it.

   i find it ironic that in "the smurfs 2" the stepdad explains to Neil Patrick Harris' character how he met his mother

   A parody idea for Closing Time by Semisonic....Clothing Time..."You don't have to go home but you can't stay here"..

   I'm fluent in 5 distinct variations of jackass.