Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(

   It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

   How does Ice T order an iced tea without sounding like a douche?

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   Wives,,, If your man says he will fix it,,, he will... There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

   I always buy the biggest size pants on the rack because they cost the same as the smallest size. More pants for your money, I always say.

   " Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole. "From a hygiene illiterate!

   Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.

   I brought a salt shaker to a gun fight; to add salt to injuries.

   Am temporarily using a bedcover as a curtain for one of my windows...I hope people assume am a heroin addict and not poor

   Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole.

   Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.

   Who is the idiot that called it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   After lots of research I've come to a conclusion that women live longer than men to make up for the wasted time trying to park.

   Please don't mistake me asking you how you are doing for me wanting to know how you are doing.

   You may have come into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood, if you continue to re-p ost this boring sh*t we will guarantee you leave here the same way.

   In an effort to help keep the media from miss identifying guns... Websters has agreed to change the word "Firearm" to "AR-15"...

   I came into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood and I have no problem going out the same way.

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.

   In case of emergency : Stop… Drop… And roll a joint.