Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you heard about the blind hooker?.....You've gotta hand it to her!

   Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off.

   Wife wanted to see my posts... We laughed and laughed... I made a run for it, and I got 2 blocks... Running is hard.

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

   I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I'm not sure whether to believe this or not.

   Meaningless statistics are up 17% today

   Goodnight IRS...Goodnight DHS...Goodnight CIA... Goodnight NSA...Goodnight FBI...Goodnight Barack...Goodnight John Boy.

   Blue jeans are illegal in North Korea because they are a symbol of American imperialism.

   You can take my advice, I’m not going to use it.

   A unicorn is a Mexican chick with no kids.

   Some days I can't get my earbuds in far enough.

   So I send you numerous lives on candy crush, you flirtatiously Thank me and suddenly we're only "just friends".

   Canadian bar fights are just two men insisting on paying each other's tabs.

   You make me want to be better at avoiding you.

   I'm really starting to regret my io6 tattoo...

   I know just enough Spanish to buy the drugs I like.

   Overview of my résumé: 1. Quick eater 2. Extensive knowledge of Parkour 3. Argumentative 4: Fired from McDonalds 5: Am I a multi tasker, (I can sneeze and pee at the same) 6: leading my Fantasy Football league..

   It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. Too bad everyone else used guns. Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

   I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

   I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car.