Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.

   Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities

   I wonder if business people know they don't have to talk about business at lunch.

   This sex may be recorded for training purposes.

   I wanna be the reason you shake your head, even if it is in disgust.

   No one ever wants to feel tied down by someone, that's why you give them drugs first so they don't feel a thing.

   The werewolf in twilight was so deep in the friend zone he was protecting another guy's baby while not gettin pu$$y

   Wife: My family is coming over. Me: So? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

   If I don't ask your opinion you don't have to give it to me

   Your girl sends you nudes and she ain't holding the camera then you betta start asking questions bruh.

   I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.

   A woman's biggest fear is being alone and a mans biggest fear is being broke

   I don't hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.

   Here's a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.

   If an imaginary person in your head tells you that you should kill little children, that is not religion but a mental problem.

   Where do adults named Alice come from? I’ve never met a kid named Alice.

   The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!

   Son came home from school and asked what "ostracized" meant.. Of course I told him its a unit of measurement for birds.... *now I've got another parent/teacher conference next monday*