Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I've finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.

   The fastest way to confuse a woman is to tell her she looks great now that she's gained a couple of pounds.

   In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now.

   I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter.

   "Would you like anything else?" What I said - "A little bit of mayo, please". What the Subway Sandwich Artist heard - "A wholesale club sized jar of Helmann's, put it all on one side, and make sure it all squeezes out when you wrap it up."

   True, you can be too old to learn new tricks, but you're never too old to start turning tricks.

   f you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, start a chainsaw.

   This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

   If someone knocks on the door while you're in a toilet stall respond with "be with you in a second, let me finish up with this one first"

   My dad gets drunk sometimes and tells my sister and I really hurtful things like “I wish I had a son”.

   Wasteful are those who sleep alone on a bed made for two.

   If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance....

   Say what you will about George Zimmerman. But the guy really sticks to his guns.

   If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

   No, I'm not on drugs. I was born this way! I'm like this, all day everyday.

   I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like "awesome"

   If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.