Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's tourettes you Fu*king Dumba$$

   When life gives you melons you have dyslexia

   That camel is so vain. You don't see any humpback whales asking random people what day it is.

   CNN poll: 17% of Americans view North Korea favorably... CBS poll: 9% of Americans approve of Congress.... Hmm

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   Now that the government is closed, I am taking over thee country and claiming legal rights as President, you all answer to me now. . .

   Government just came out with a new doll...It's called a welfare doll. You wind it up and it quits working.

   Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

   Winters getting close here. Yesterday it was so cold that I seen a Lawyer walking around with his hands in his own pockets

   Lets not get overly excited about the government shutdown, Walmart is still open!

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   The American Bald Eagle is no longer the National Bird. It has been changed. It is now Obama's middle finger!

   The voices in my head keep telling me not to listen to the voices in my head, so now I don't know who to listen to anymore.

   I was driving home from work yesterday when I noticed a man with one leg hitch-hiking, so I pulled over and told him to "Hop in."

   You can't really blame sharks for attacking swimmer. If some random guy walked into my house wearing nothing but speedos, I'd probably attack him as well!

   Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate halloween. I guess they don't like random people coming up to their door.

   I don't know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese's to a box of tampons could literally save lives.

   I am a firm believer in when one door closes, another one opens. Yep, I believe in ghosts...

   come to think of it I DO recieve foodstamps its called US Currency and its in the form of a paycheck!!

   Guess what day it is!!! Guess! What! Day! It! Is! Its Day 2 of the government shutdown and society has yet to collapse, this is exactly what the Democrats feared....