Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Tampa Bay, you're on the clock" - 2014 NFL Draft very first words.

   Boss: You're on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.

   this year for halloween I'm passing out chocolate laxatives

   WTF Levi's? 36" fall off. 35" sqeeze me in half. It's one damn inch!!

   I've really never been able to walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink, I might be just the one you're looking for..

   It's none of my business whether you wear a weave or not. I only care when we have sex & it tries to strangle me when I'm asleep

   Marriage? If I wanted to share a room with someone I'm not having sex with I'd have gone back to high-school!

   Wedding anniversaries are meant to celebrate the number of years a couple has been married, not how long they've been happy

   I don't care how expensive your hair is, just don't get mad when I pull it off when were having sex

   Life stopped handing us lemons and started giving us reasons to drink instead

   Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn't work...

   I'm dumb. I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.

   No matter how loud the game is on downstairs, a man always hears the sound of a bra hitting the floor upstairs.

   I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication.

   Plain girls want to save dogs. Hot girls want to save wolves.

   I give ulcers,... I don't get them

   Just drank a 'coffee to go' while sitting. Screw the system!

   79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless

   Happy birthday to the microwave oven. As The very first domestic model was introduced 58 years ago today, by the Tappan stove company in Mansfield, Ohio.Formally known as Tappan @ss LLC.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /