Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I feel like my life sucks, I go to Walmart , then I feel better

   #Throwbackthursdays , The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks

   Most of my Facebook friends look better as cartoons

   We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're offended and expecting us to give a f**k.

   Despite our love of candy and fast food, the number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States, and I have driven behind every single one.

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   The store sign said the cashier has less than $20.. So I said "hang in there buddy!" and I gave him a quarter.

   Rams Call List: 1. B̶r̶e̶t̶t̶ ̶F̶a̶v̶r̶e̶, 2. T̶e̶r̶r̶y̶ ̶B̶r̶a̶d̶s̶h̶a̶w̶, ..., 77. Jim Everett, 78. Corpse of Johnny Unitas, 79. Tim Tebow

   Doing my part for National Prescription Drug Take-Back Day on Saturday, October 26, 2013, just bring your pain meds, etc. by my house and I will make sure they are returned. Note: currently not accepting laxatives.

   For Obama so loved the poor, that he created millions more...

   We are trying to prevent bots, so please enter this completely unreadable captcha.

   "Oh.... I can't wait tto see all the clever and funny Bitstrip cartoons my Facebook friends posted today!!!!" ~ Said no one, EVER!

   when the movie "cloudy with a chance of meatballs"premiered in China did they call it "raining cats and dogs"?

   From leading mobile phone company to leading mobile app company.. #BlackBerry

   My son's away at college...... So I peeked in his room,. "Oh my God" Now the City Landfill keeps calling they want their reputation back.

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

   AD/HD HGHWAY TO ....hey look , a squirrel

   After our breakup, my ex once begged me over and over again to go out, or as my lawyer called it "Violating a Protection Order"

   As the proud parents of a high school senior, my wife and I want our son to be successful and have all the things we couldn't ever afford. Then we want to move in with him.

   Wait til last minute to buy Christmas presents for the elderly, could save you lots of money..