Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

   What should a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter? The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

   Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying. "If you build it...they will come"?

   Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.

   I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****

   "That's not what I said. What I said was, if you like your spam, you can eat your spam. Period."

   Congrats to Hacksaw Mike Duggan for Becoming Detroit's first white mayor in 40 years. Let the violence begin!

   So, where's the reset button on this life thing?

   Day 6 - I'm grateful that if I like my health care plan, that I get to keep it. Period.

   Dear guys named Jeff spelled like Geoff, what do you want from us?

   You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink.

   I'm actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement.

   My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.

   You break her jaw we break your legs...and arms...and back.

   Remember when white folks went crazy and started planking? That was some weird sh*t. I would rather watch them dance than plank.

   Dear Obama, Have you tried sending a mix tape to Syria? Try Africa by Toto. Nobody can resist Africa by Toto.

   If you're a girl and drinks Vodka... there's a high probability, I love you.

   what I do when I black out is none of my business.

   Wait! So you're saying there are women out there that like having the sex?

   Yes, tell me about the time you were cool. I love fiction.