Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Facebook and writing (like journaling) are a poor man's therapy. 
I only understand like 19% of life!
My relationships are like fat girls. They NEVER workout.
My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.
There are people I meet I could write a beautiful novel about, than there are those I could write a murder mystery about and have them die a horrible death. . .
Taking applications for a booty call and unless I get attached, don't get attached, thank you lol. . .
Sometimes life is like a profile picture....you have to ''crop'' people out that no longer deserve to be ''in the picture"
Day 10....I am thankful for Veterans......
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least???
My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)
I confess, for years I thought "assless chaps" were skinny British dudes
Sweet Lord Almighty, thanks to this European Satellite that fell on top of my trailer, I can now cancel Direct Tv
I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*
Today, I found a potato chip that looked exactly like Jesus.. Then I remembered nobody knows what Jesus actually looked like... So I ate it.
It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."
If you ever get angry at one of my posts, the last thing you should do is tell me about it. That just makes it even funnier for me
Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.
Tempted to change my name on Facebook to Benefits so when someone adds me it will say "You are now friends with Benefits."
If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.
If stupidity was fatal, it would be a wonderful world and a lot less crowded. 