Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is getting real sick of me offering 'pen*s-cillin" every time she get sick.

   I am living vicariously through myself...

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new, "I promise, I'll only put the tip in"

   Funny how the first 5 years I did it, my biggest fear was someone walking in on me doing it.. and now in the last 5 years I wouldn't bother doing it unless someone was watching me.

   Funny how you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island, only to figure out later that it's the island of misfit toys.

   If someone is smoking a joint at a concert, and there isn't a nerd around to say they smell weed, did the joint ever get smoked at all?

   Funny how one morning you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island and the next day feel like you woke up on the island of misfit toys. . .

   Day 8 Today I'm thankful for my drug dealer

   If you hand me a business card while I'm eating, there's a high probability I'll use it as a toothpick...I'm as classy as they come fellas.

   Yoga, because farting in private is for fat people.

   I think it's safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.

   Your face owes my eyeballs an apology.

   Love is like the sweetest, most delicious gourmet cupcake laced with arsenic.

   Sucks when you want someone but can't have them cuz someone else has them but if they wanted you, they wouldn't be with that someone.

   My neighbour's cat just menacingly hissed at me for stroking it. Now I finally know how married men feel.

   There are way too many people in this relationship.

   "Sir your phone's ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."

   I have seen your ex so don't act like I am not an upgrade.

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.