Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The next person that asks me if ex Salvation Army employees count, gets punched in the throat. Unbelievable

   Affordable Care Act "aka Obamacare"...........Affordable but ONLY if you make 10k + a month!!

   African Americans sure do enjoy stabbing and shooting each other at their award shows for each other.

   The closer I get to the toielt, the worse I have to go. It never fails

   The best drinks in life are free.

   Wife is forcing me to sit through the Country Music Awards. This is my suicide note.

   Rich white folks sure do love giving other rich white folks awards.

   Welcome to another day of loneliness brought to you by years of pushing people away.

   I want to hold you till the end of time. Or until I have to pee. Or whichever comes first.

   It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.

   to honor thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning

   If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted I wish I had a puppy

   Alright Monday what kind of bullsh*t you got for me this time.

   if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .

   If my mother knew how many potential grandchildren I swallowed I wonder if she'd be proud or appalled.

   Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.

   My dream girl would lovingly push me in a shopping cart through the liquor aisle.

   Humor and sexual frustration are what keep Facebook a well-oiled machine.

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   If God wanted me to be a vegetarian He would have made plants taste like meat.