Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flattery and insults raise the same question: what do you want?

   Silence is the most intolerable of answers.

   Majority of people prepared to die for their rights are also willing to lie to avoid their responsibilities.

   Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

   If my girl tell me she hanging with her guy friends I hope it's six of them so they can carry her casket.

   Sober me will always have your back….Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn f*cking a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

   I haven't seen this much white powder fall from the sky since I partied with scar face and he sneezed in his pile of coke.

   Everybody out there, have lots of sex

   i wonder if the Pillsbury Doughboy has a Facebook account &when his friends "poke" him he makes the little noise like in the commercials

   Maybe women would be happier on their periods if someone invented tampons that vibrate..

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   If a pair or shorts is big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, chances are it's not.

   May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose and lay an egg in your sinuses.

   "You miss 64% of the shots you do take" - Dwight Howard's free throw coach

   Hi, if I have any relatives left on my mothers side of the family can you make yourself present so I can delete your sorry ass too. . .

   As far as I'm concerned, LL Cool J is old enough now he doesn't need to worry about what his "Momma said."

   911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"

   Mr President, if you like your apology, you can keep your apology.

   Not to brag but my coworkers spend alot of time hiding from me.

   I would say that if my coworkers were picking on me they're leaving someone else alone, but these guys are multi-taskers.