Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus...not a Ford Multi-task

   I'm going to have to lose 10 pounds if I want to fit into this coffin I bought.

   There's no such thing as a straight guy with a bedazzled cellphone.

   At no point in "I love you no matter what you look like" did I insinuate "keep eating pie for breakfast."

   Dinosaurs probably just killed themselves because the Flintstones used them as dishwashers.

   3 people everyone hates: - Anyone asking questions when a meeting is about to end - Anyone who holds the elevator for anyone - Kanye West

   Women must hate dying because all ghosts have to dress in the same white outfit. Even the ones they hate.

   Just shut up already. If I wanted to hear your opinion all the time I would have married you !

   I turn down my radio to park my car.

   One time I put my phone in my pocket and didn’t take it out for like almost 5 minutes.

   Why talk when you can type?

   I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an as$hole.

   He was so creepy, his van had a basement.

   I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.

   Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.

   *Buys a 3D printer... *With the 3D printer, prints a 3D printer... *Returns the origional 3D printer

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.