Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sweet Lord Almighty, thanks to this European Satellite that fell on top of my trailer, I can now cancel Direct Tv

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   Today, I found a potato chip that looked exactly like Jesus.. Then I remembered nobody knows what Jesus actually looked like... So I ate it.

   It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."

   If you ever get angry at one of my posts, the last thing you should do is tell me about it. That just makes it even funnier for me

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to Benefits so when someone adds me it will say "You are now friends with Benefits."

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   If stupidity was fatal, it would be a wonderful world and a lot less crowded.

   If you lost your iphone last night please let me know. Because I need that charger too

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to "No Body" So when someone posts an attention seeking status and I like it. It will say "No Body likes this"

   Today I am thankful for Rand Paul taking the heat off my joke plagiarism skills

   ran my first 5k today...finally I said, "Lady, take your purse!!"

   Ill be thankful when this thankful month is over

   Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*

   Dear Mom & Dad,,,Summer Camp looks a lot like a WalMart parking lot.. Also,, Is it usually six months long?... Love Billy

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   When you can have sex whenever you want...you won't want it every day. TRUST ME.

   Every relationship should be like a sunday. Soothing, relaxing, totally chilled out.

   says I would like to think a die a heroic dealth. but its more likely i'll trip over the dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting!