Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.

   My dream girl would lovingly push me in a shopping cart through the liquor aisle.

   Humor and sexual frustration are what keep Facebook a well-oiled machine.

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   If God wanted me to be a vegetarian He would have made plants taste like meat.

   Fish tanks are supposed to be soothing? My fish have seen me naked! I think my fish need a fish tank in their fish tank.

   Tell her she is beautiful instead of hot. She is a woman, not a temperature.

   there ever a day when mattresses AREN'T on sale?

   Nothing honors our Vetrans more than buying a mattress on sale.

   Facebook and writing (like journaling) are a poor man's therapy.

   I only understand like 19% of life!

   My relationships are like fat girls. They NEVER workout.

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.

   There are people I meet I could write a beautiful novel about, than there are those I could write a murder mystery about and have them die a horrible death. . .

   Taking applications for a booty call and unless I get attached, don't get attached, thank you lol. . .

   Sometimes life is like a profile picture....you have to ''crop'' people out that no longer deserve to be ''in the picture"

   Day 10....I am thankful for Veterans......

   Why do people with the most to say contribute the least???

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)

   I confess, for years I thought "assless chaps" were skinny British dudes