Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!

   I feel sorry for Perrier water, they were the only ones for a long time...

   I gave her the ring but she gave me the finger.

   "The Empire Strikes Back" is SO unrealistic... No WAY the black guy would ever admit to being the father.

   if someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever

   "Taco Bell reminds me of my abuela's cooking when I was growing up." - said no Juan ever

   I got the following numbers. 1) FU. 5) FU.12) FU. 33) FU.

   remember when nobody cared what the bully at school did to you. you just learned how to get over it instead of blaming all your problems on the bully.

   If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand!

   Humiliation in public or private is not an effective way to discipline your kids?!You should be assamed of yourself.

   if I was a conductor of an orchestra, I would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Trent Richardson's sex tape is acually a series of tapes which average less than 2.9 minutes. Trent never busts a long one and he often struggles to find the hole.

   I thought gang bangs were a group of people with the same haircut.

   If a woman offers to buy you a drink, stay calm and enjoy. This is a rare magical species of female named Coolus Chickitus. A gift from the Universe.

   God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.

   I saw a man with a pony tail running down the street so I’m guessing there’s an angry iguana somewhere waiting to be fed its dinner.

   Trust me sir across from me at the gym. If I were interested, you would have "accidentally" seen my butthole by now.

   Every chair is a reclining chair if you don't understand what reclining mean.

   Where is Nixon? I'm longing for some honesty!