Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.

   Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home. He must really want me to have a good time because he called and said don't come in tomorrow.

   there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch????

   I need a female exercise partner. When I say exercise I mean emotionless sex.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be alive today.

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

   A satisfied woman will roll over and ignore you. If she's wanting "cuddles" then you suck at sex.

   Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.

   I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

   I don't believe in god but I believe in my god given rights.

   Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

   Ladies; If he doesn't think you're a little bit crazy, he's not paying enough attention to you.

   Chances are, if you're just a little bit smart assy, I like you.

   Girl, are you a plumber? Cause I just felt the last ounce of romance drain from our relationship.

   Broke parents are why I have trust fund issues.

   Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.

   Hey man, I didn't see you at ninja class last night

   It's like my date doesn't even care about some of the core problems that faced the software development industry in the mid 90's

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I'm not sure either, but it's ruining every date we go on...there's sh*t everywhere.