Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   Flat screens are nice and all,but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   Okay, coffee's kicked in. What were you saying? Oh, sorry. Let me get that duct tape off your mouth.

   Self control for a teenage girl is seeing a mirror and not practicing your duck face.

   I see you're unhappily married. Yes, please, take your anger out on happy single people.

   Guys - if you wanna see her boobs make her laugh. If the laughter is violent enough... sometimes they pop out.

   I'm not complaining... I'm just saying it would be pretty bad ass if boobs were filled with coffee.

   I will never forget my grandmas last word; TRUCK!

   Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.

   A good wife always forgive's her husband when she's wrong..

   When wearing a baseball cap a BRO may position the brim at either 12 or 6 oclock. All other positions are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

   There is a new Flu Shot for the Window 8 computers

   It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician

   It's universal, to point out old skool soda cans and chip bags during classic movies.

   I was changing the oil in the wife's car whilst listening to the A-Team TV show music on my iPod. Somehow 7 minutes later it seems she now owns an armoured bus.

   The winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee is awarded an engraved trophy... The loser is given an ingraived plack.

   My iPhone is like a time machine. I go to spend a couple of minutes on Twitter and Facebook and suddenly it's an hour later

   Just made my CVS receipt from purchasing a single pack of gum into an entire "Roll of Toilet Paper"

   If a chick ask what kind of cologne you got on you gotta lie & tell her Axe body spray cause she most likely gonna buy it for her boyfriend.

   I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn't ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.