Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait what about Niki Minaj in the 2000's....okay nevermind

   You knowlife sucks when you can hear the girl you love moaning in the room next door where your bestfriend is...

   Pinocchio just gave a speech...

   It's Saturday night, which means I am higher than the national debt.

   Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey and some electricals.. Just sayin

   I am about to boil some water that I want to freeze later......does anyone happen to know what temperatures I should use to do this????

   I've decided I no longer want to be an adult....if you need me I will be in my blanket fort with my coloring book, etch-a-sketch, lite brite, speak-n-spell, and my sit-n-spin. Best. Toys. Ever. This is gonna be off the hook!

   Some of you people could use something with a little water bubbling at the bottom....... Just sayin

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all, he's still dead

   Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey.. Just sayin

   "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

   Does anyone else feel like a 25yr old trapped in a 40yr+ body???

   Do forget to set your scale back 10lbs this next week

   I didnt know "Degrees Retard" was a standard unit of measure.

   She said we needed to talk like she doesn’t realize I paid $200 for these Dr Dre Beats and wanna get my money’s worth

   "FOX NEWS- Rich People Paying Rich People To Tell Middle Class People To Blame Poor People. "

   Apparently... you can't order "dat ass" at the drive-thru.

   Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.

   I'm so drunk I almost went outside.

   “One, 360, one” - Someone at Microsoft counting to 3