Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"

   New Jersey is considering a law that makes it illegal to eat while you're driving. When Governor Chris Cristie heard about it he yelled "Shotgun"

   Ate way too much food, drank too much wine and watched TV the rest of the day. I'm feelin' SUPER American right now

   I think my pet bird just called me a murderer.

   Ben Roethlisberger was just on an NFL commercial saying what he was thankful for. He forgot to mention not being charged or found guilty of sexual assault. twice.

   Today is thanksgiving day tomorrow is toilet blow out day!!!

   Its almost that time kids...Does everyone have their plungers ready?

   This whole pumpkin pie is not only delicious..... It also contains nearly 50% of my Thanksgiving Day requirement of pumpkin pie..

   Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

   I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

   Call her Princess. B*tches love being addressed as royalty.

   Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach obviously never had a blow job.

   it's my first american thanksgiving how many guns do I bring?

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting .

   I would never argue with a female I'm not sleeping with.

   I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   No matter how hard life gets just remember there are always people out there who love you, if you pay them enough.

   Relationship status: Taken but not stirred.

   The neighbors dog is thankful I'm not drunk enough to discharge a firearm in the city limits. yet.