Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Farts are a poop's way of texting, "On my way."

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.

   Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.

   So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?

   Lemonade or orange juice? I'm asking the vodka.

   I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.

   I may not regularly keep in touch with my friends and loved ones, but I always keep an eye on my enemies.

   Evidence from Social Media Usage shows that the number of idiots on earth is going to surpass the number of normal people by the year 2015.

   To shop the best on "Black Friday" it is easier to throw stink bombs by large crowds to get them to clear the area.

   I wonder if George Zimmerman went Back Friday shopping

   Suddenly I think I know how an Oreo Double Stuff cookie feels.

   Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.

   on a positive note, I got the results of my drug test back today

   If watching the big-screen TV with a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy...

   the number of tattoos & piercings a person has is directly related to how quickly they get bored

   Express lanes should have signs banning old people and people paying with food stamps.

   Nothing says thankful and greatful like puching your fellow man in the mouth for $30 off a cheap TV made in China. Now get out there and fight for your kids presents, cause whats a great Christmas without a war story for the kids..

   My son just told me a joke. So here it is, tell me what you think. Why do midgets laugh when they run?? Cause the grass tickles their balls.

   It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off.

   Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 300,500,192 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 10:29PM on 22/05/2003