Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone is asking for advice, don't tell them to "just be yourself". They wouldnt ask you if that was working.

   If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world

   The thinner the eyebrows, the crazier the girl.

   Kanye West "Kim fought for her position in society".....Wait Kanye, didn't she obtain her fame because of a video, in the bent over "position?"

   You ever think that just possibly these milk, bread and toilet paper companies are behind these overestimated, hysteria causing weather reports????

   Deductive reasoning skills are a double-edged sword. You see, those of us who are self-motivated, pay attention to detail and use deductive reasoning must be punished for how we make those who don't "feel..."

   Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.

   Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, we are now exposed and contaminated with dumb sh*t people just used to keep to themselves in their dumb heads.

   I'm having a make yourself at home party. Make yourself at home.. start cooking, cleaning and do my laundry. . .

   Music, Children, and Dogs: The world's three greatest anti-depressants.

   I owe my bookie $300.I bet on a fight before I realized it was Rocky 4. I did the same thing with Space Jam and Air Bud

   I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.

   I just told someone that I have to pee pee. It's hard toggling back and forth between being a parent and being a dude.

   I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.

   Why can't the DEVIL jst swallow his pride & ask GOD for forgiveness so we can all go back to the garden of EDEN & live happily NAKED?

   I know some ladies here who need to come out courageous nough and upload their non-edited pictures,,,feel safe...u'r cute..anyway

   I like you. But I don't "let you out of my basement" like you. Hah because I love you.

   Never Choose ur Boyfriend/Girlfriend Over ur Best Friends.

   This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."

   Besides yourself, which individual disappointed you the most in 2013?