Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone have like ten thousand dollars they don't want

   I cant wait till the "Holiday season" at work is over so I can find a new reason not to do anything around the house

   There was a time when the word "Gay" meant happy and the rainbow was a meteorological phenomenom, now both represents boy who likes another boy.........smh

   Don’t flatter yourself. I'm not attracted to you, this vodka I am drinking is.

   Dear coffee, I want you inside of me

   All I want for Christmas is you... Just kidding I want Money

   I wish boobs did the bra thing without having to wear the bra

   I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise

   The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' I said 'Me neither doc,' ......'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

   Most of my relationships have been long distance on account of all of the restraining orders.

   I once watched an episode of Duck Dynasty. I can't tell you how upset I was that it wasn't a documentary on Huey, Duey, and Louie.

   I wonder how many awkward first dates Instagram filters have caused.

   I slipped on black ice today, it's like regular ice but it steals your wallet afterwards

   I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me 'Will you be putting it up yourself?' I told him, 'No, you sicko, it's going in the living room!'

   I thought this black guy was calling me a disgrace, turns out he was introducing me to his gf Grace

   what's twelve inches and makes girls wanna have sex with me? my hunting knife

   What the schnitzel is Duck Dynasty?

   Justin Bieber says he's quitting music. In related news, the Death Star now has one less reason to destroy Earth..

   Meanwhile, Mc Fazzerino, (the test tube baby) can spell, and signs his posts instead of hiding behind a blank name field. And is also amused by the fact that someone other than my mom knows my dad's sperm count.

   The mega winner says she picked the numbers by her kids birthdays… Please tell me what month has 39 days