Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Buying cocaine off some guy named Jesus is about as religious as I get.

   Bound-up. Can't drop a deuce. Damn you cheese.....

   Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.

   If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! Making Frosty the Snowman my personal savior.

   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

   Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore

   Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.

   It's about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.

   Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing a role in society.

   The way that people always talk how they wouldn't do it has convinced me that there is a lot of touching things with ten foot poles that we don't know about.

   The media praised Oprah for being humble when compared to other celebrities because she has no "selfies" on Twitter. Apparently the Media has yet to notice that the cover model for "O Magazine" is always the same darn person.

   Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from Social Media.

   There's something incredibly beautiful about a woman that doesn't realize she's incredibly beautiful.

   My guilty pleasure is feeling guilty over any pleasure I have.

   I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.

   Clean your rooms kids or I'll wear yoga pants when your friends come over. And yes thats a threat.

   Hey Jesus...instead of taking the wheel how about paying for gas every now and then.

   Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?

   My wife just asked me if I have a girlfriend and I was like, "God, that's soooo two days ago."