Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spend 90% of my salary on my hobbies. The rest I waste.

   Lets Do The 2014 New Years Hump Today!

   With everyone off work on this first day of the New Year good reason to stay in bed and enjoy your New Years Hump Day!

   First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch

   I went to a pool party in 1998 with the time listed as 5-? on the invitation. I'm still here. Wrap it up guys there's so much I haven't done

   One of my biggest fears is meeting Bono from U2 and saying "I'm a huge fan, Bobo."

   i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   What's a pirate's fave letter of the alphabet? Trick question. They are illiterate savages whose purposes are ill-served by the written word

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   I am not the kind of guy to offer to buy a girl some drinks at the bar, I am the kind to offer to buy her some decent clothes.

   It would seem there's a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn't love you.

   Happy belated birthday Jesus.

   To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a Wednesday!!!

   I'm outside banging kitchen pots together so my neighbors can think I'm strapped......lol happy new years everyone

   these neighbors shooting their guns off, you'd think a lot of people just died in The Hunger Games cause the gun sounds kinda like the cannon sound in the movie

   since New Years is on a hump day (Wednesday) maybe this will be the year I get a lo of humping

   Goal for 2014: Continue to live forever. So far, so good.

   I guess its official. Baby New Year is a boy again, and everyone's already waiting for his ball to drop.

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.