Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last time I was this drunk I got married.

   I'm not saying your baby is ugly, I'm just wondering which end the food goes in..

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   My Siamese twin told me the funniest joke this morning!! I laughed so hard I almost pissed himself!!!!

   You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

   He said: Am I the first one to sleep in your bed? She said: Well...., if you actually fall asleep then yeah.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.

   New Years Day I will be 100, so New Years Eve I'm going to party like I'm 19 @ 99!

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable

   I always imagine women have sex like they dance, This is why Line Dancing is so disturbing to me.

   The Saints are rooting for the Cowboys because its the same as a bye week.

   Am I the only person who will admit to intentionally peeing outside when it is cold just because I think it is neat to watch the steam rise?

   you know you gave up on life when you eat your breakfast, lunch and dinner from a "bacon bowl"