Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can always tell who hates their spouse by how much they post about loving their spouse...

   How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue

   Thanks to 0bamacare, Americans can expect to earn six figure salaries in 2014. Okay, six figures if you count the decimal point, the zeroes that follow the decimal point, and the dollar sign.

   I got eight inches last night. The snow was pretty deep too.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

   Why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? Because 711492!!

   The opinion of one is the opinion of all........

   People with really bad attitudes should move to Colorado and Be Happy And Worry!

   If I get their attention negative or positive I accomplished my intent...

   Well I'm planning to do something tomorrow, as long as I have totally finished doing nothing from today. I really like being completely done with nothing which really says something about my dedication to nothing.

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears just signed a "No Super Bowl for seven more years" contract today

   if you sling enough poop against the wall, eventually some will stick...Lil-David, snotty, stoner dudee and a few others...

   Colorado is changing their state flower to "Sinsemilla"

   WORK THIS WEEK??? - My MIND TELLING me NOOOOOoooo!!!, but my wallet telling me...dude You need more alcohol!!

   Fellas; no amount of money or fame can ever cover up for the disappointment of a small d*ck.

   Anyone have any spare donkey meat? My local wal mart is out...

   Why did the kid drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

   Colorado has now legalized pot for retail sales?....I can't wait to see the t.v. comercials for that product. A "dude" comes on t.v. saying things like. "do you have trouble sleeping 18-20 hours a day" or "are cartoons not as funny now as they were when y

   My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, hey who is your hot friend.