Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reminder: You are a perishable item, live accordingly.

   For heaven's sake, stop blaming yourself. I have already done that for you.

   I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don't even have to try to find out who lost it, because it's the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!

   We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."

   Obama is like a penny.....2 sided and almost worthless

   My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.

   Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan.

   I can't believe Walmart already has Valentine's Day stuff out. which reminds me.. I need to lose my girlfriend soon

   Hmm, very untrusting of the old white van parked at the play ground with the handwritten cardboard sign saying "free candy inside"... sending one of my kids to check it out...

   I don't want to rescue pets, farm, pop bubbles, or crush candy...

   Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.

   Oh, I would love to stay for your yoga class....but, I think I would rather floss with barbwire or give myself a tattoo.

   Some people hope their search for happiness ends in love and fulfillment, I just hope mine ends in minimal bloodshed and no felony charges.

   my tooth is pounding like crazy! wheres the tooth fairy when you need her!?

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   Can you fall in love through a rifle scope?

   You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let's do it!!

   Sometimes when I see a married couple, it appears to me like two people joined together to become one desperately boring person.

   I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car.

   “Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.