Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So today was the first day of Obamacare and all the Dr offices were closed...

   I remember 2013 like it was yesterday.

   As I get off the rollercoaster that was 2013, I step into the elevator that is 2014, and press up. Sounds good on paper, anyway....lol

   Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.

   I love you and you ignore me, I ignore you and you love me.

   Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants

   Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...

   I've only been in this city 2 nights and already there are 4 bars I can never go back to

   So after being on a non-stop holiday food binge, I mustered the courage to step on my talking bathroom scales this morning. It said "One at a time, please." FML.

   Well, since we can't be younger, let's be stupid.

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

   January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

   The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger

   If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.

   I don't know how I didn't get pulled over by the cops last night. I was definitely driving under the influence of a good bl0wj0b.

   Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*

   *eats apple while maintaining eye contact with doctor*

   The best part of waking up..... Is Bailey's In My Cup...

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.