Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   You can't borrow my phone because you might go through my contacts and see what I really call you.

   How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?

   If incest is good enough for the royal family, then it's good enough for mine. - Rednecks

   It's so cld we had to chop up the piano for firewood. And the sad thing is, we only got two chords.

   It's so cold out my wife is looking forward to her next hot flash.

   Next time Rodman visits his friend KIM in North Korea, just don't let him back into USA. Problem solved.

   The truth is the enemy of the fruit section. The fruit section can't handle the truth that their g @y behaviour and lifestyle is abnormal.

   Janet Yellen to become first woman head of the Federal Reserve. For her first action she will raise the interest rate to 9.78% but put it on sale for 6.73% to make it a good deal.

   I'm OCD but I worry that I'm not OCD enough.

   My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   I should sell t-shirts "I survived the Polar Vortex of 2014"...

   Everyone up north, please post more pics of ice.

   Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

   If by cold,, you mean my freezer is keeping things WARMER than the outside air temps,,, then yes it's cold...

   Polar vortex proof Mother nature is not having a gender identity crisis. In everyday terms that's cold hearted.

   However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.

   I wonder if when Ice Cube was in NWA he thought one day he'd play a cop in light hearted comedy

   I love intelligent women with high I.Q.s, but man it sure makes keeping track f the lies a pain in the ass..!

   Brace yourself...here comes all the closet Florida State fans & SEC haters.