Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I think that means I have 2020 vision

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   Yay. ..Mr.Plow is here! Won't have to eat another kid.

   It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

   It seems like the winters have gotten colder since Al Gore stopped blowing hot air about global warming. Coincidence? I think not.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.

   Wine her, dine her, sixty-nine her.

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   I came, I saw, I screamed "How the hell do I get out of here?"

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   I will fake love and take full advantage of you .

   Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.

   It's sofa king cold today!!

   there's a method to my madness.. just a madman with no method..

   You can judge me, but you can't change me.

   The thermometer on my cars says, "FU_____CK YOU!"

   My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!

   She likes it when you call/text her, but, not too much and not too little. And, she won't tell you how much or little and it changes constantly. Good luck!!

   Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.

   Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.