Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Didn't realize their was alot of great looking women around here!" - Me hanging out at traffic school1

   Seems like Lakers are doing so bad, that they missing their flu shots too!

   Well the pilots of Southwest Airlines claiming Gov Christ Christie close the Rnuway, so they aint no where to go!

   Tonight on ABC World Wide: Police raid Biebers house, find whole slew of drugs, but no talent...

   Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   No, no....when I Poked you on facebook, it wasn't a friendly tap on the shoulder. It was thinly veiled suggestion for my wanting to f**k your brains out.

   So I informed the flight attendant that I was looking to join the Mile High Club and she said she didn't give a flying f**k.

   Just returned all of my liquor bottles and now I’m deciding between a vacation in Hawaii or the French Riviera

   White girls, show your parents how much you hate them by growing dreadlocks.

   I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"

   If you are babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.

   There is always that one person that you think about every night before you go to sleep. But for me its not a person, its pizza.

   I don't know whats worse, getting your ass kicked by kanye West or getting hit by a smart car.

   When life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

   Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.

   Keep your friends close, and a bottle of vodka closer!

   You may not Axe me a question, Go Axe a tree!!!

   It astonishes me that some people say we are all unique and different yet they believe in horoscopes.

   Haven't heard anything about Bigfoot in awhile. I hope he's okay