Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee allows me to make bad decisions faster.

   The battles against women are won losing.

   —Mom, what's for dinner? —Nothing, son. Your father studied Graphic Design.

   Oils are weird, like some are for babies and some are for cars, who can keep track?

   The cure for over thinking is over drinking.

   With so many idiots roaming the earth now, maybe scientist need to stop the search for cure for cancer, and start working on finding the cure for idiocy.

   I don't play videogames ALL day. I do stop to jerk off from time to time.

   Boy it's nice out today... our at least that's what it says on my computer.

   I had to go on a second diet. The first one wasn't giving me enough food.

   What's the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A puppy will eventually open its eyes and stop whining.

   If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...

   Feeling ugly? Go chill in Walmart for 2 hours. You'll feel a lot better.

   Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I've never heard of.

   Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?

   That One Direction tour bus must be a living hell when they get their periods at the same time.

   Oven mitts and rubber gloves are thegloves that females wear in their respectedsports

   Christie blocks a bridge in New Jersey... The Super Bowl is in New Jersey... A nation wide velveeta shortage for the Super Bowl.... GOVERNMET CONSPIRACIES ARE REAL!

   Did you ever notice how everything in life just keeps shrinking? Even in the Hip-Hop world. It used to be 'Biggie Smalls, Big Pun, Fat Joe. Then it was lil jon, lil kim, liil wayne. 15yrs from now its gonig to be, 1PAC, BalemicBob, AtomMike, SpermSpewed!

   People, I'm late for everything!!! I would make the worst period.

   "Didn't realize their was alot of great looking women around here!" - Me hanging out at traffic school1