Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

   Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket. It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   I'm not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids.

   Governor Chris Christie ran his pie hole for 2 hours, that explains the warmer weather!

   Fog is just depressed clouds. Come on fog, get up there and be somebody!

   There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.

   Three Basic Rules of Plumbing: Hot goes on the left, cold goes on the right and $h!t doesn't flow uphill.

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. You know that now." - Buddhist GPS

   My only stalker is Sallie Mae

   If you're happy and you know it share your meds.

   We should just "pile on" and ask Chris Christie about the Velveeta shortage...

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

   Hi,,, I'm here for an oil change and an estimate for $100's of dollars of work that I'll say I'll get done another time but never come back.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.