Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My toaster just got broken, now I have to eat raw bread like an animal til the next payday

   I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs

   2 hours ago · WOW... I think Easter is getting here earlier and earlier....apparently I missed Justin Bieber's neighborhood egg hunt.

   After searching Justin Bieber’s house, police say his only crime is calling what he does music

   Just when you think you've got all the answers, I change the questions.

   Thankyou, slow walking family in front of me on the foothpath, No please, take your time.... and definately spread out, so you create a barricade of idiots.

   I checked out a book on time travel from the library. It's due last week.

   I knew my wifes cooking was getting out of hand when the flies chipped in on a screen door

   Then there was a cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods

   I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.

   And that was the last time I confused Clorox cleaning sheets with baby wipes.

   I think I'd be a pretty considerate cannibal, even if I were constipated I wouldn't force your hand.

   I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.

   You think after making 58 mil last year, Bieber could buy a freakin belt.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   The best way to live a miserable life is to pay attention to what other people are saying about you.

   Tom Cruise is only a scientologist because all their urinals are at child height.

   HD p0rn so clear, you can see her financial crisis.

   Work is really getting in the way of me going home and drinking wine in my underwear.

   A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.