Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would punch your personality if it was possible. But your face will do.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   Wanted to take the trash out tonight but she said she wasn't feeling well.

   I hate it when people call me sexist. Some of my closest friends belong in the kitchen.

   I need to make some new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me!

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm writing this status from inside his trunk.

   Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life's problems

   Throat grabbing is one of my signature moves. Although this chic taking my order at McDonald's right now doesn't seem all that into it.

   happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!

   Why does Ellen DeGeneres like dressing like Mr. Rogers?

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   I'm a lyrical gangster. Or I've had too many margaritas.

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   hey look at you with your beady little eyes that are way too close together *BLOCKED*

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

   When you're dead, it's really, really, easy for you.....I mean you don't know,,,,it's just hard on others...same thing when you're stupid....

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair