Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When at a club & a really huge guy smacks your girl’s ass, ask her before she asks you “are you just going to let that guy smack your ass?”

   From the outside everyone looks like a nice person, try living with them for a week and see who they really are.

   BREAKING NEWS: It snows during winter time.

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   I think it's important to have a fitness plan you can actually stick to, which is precisely why mine is to become shipwrecked.

   Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.

   I suggest FB replace the "Like" button with "OMAHA!!"

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast....usally while lying in bed.

   I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. She wept softly...and then hugged me.

   "I have a dream" - Martin Luther King jr "I have a drone" - Barrack Hussein Obama

   Nice cowgirl boots. I bet you do alot of Ranchy stuff in those Hollister jeans!

   My wife has PMS and i'm stuck in the house with her. It's the Kotex Vortex!!

   "Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.

   Sometimes, I just want to sitoutside with someone and talk allnight

   I haven't had a complete stranger high five or wave at me in a really long time. Time to put on a Nutella costume and walk through the Mall again.

   By the way, that gluten-free muffin you just enjoyed? I lied...it is absolutely TEEMING with glutens!,,,,, HAHAHAHA! Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

   "I have decided to stick to love... Hate is too much of a burden to bear" - Martin Luther King jnr

   Me "Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg." Her "Who's Donna??"

   The only time its acceptable for a girl 2 spit is if its into another girls mouth

   If she watches trash tv that's how her personality is too