Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love someone set them free. If they come back with two police officers, it means stalking was not a good idea.

   Update: an update has been well described as the process whereby the update of a person becomes the update of another without passing through the mind of either.

   Macklemore swept the Rap categories, now I get why its called The Heist.

   I've learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.

   Boy, I'd hate to be your therapist. -All my friends

   I am not acting childish and you're just a big doody-head.

   Maybe at tonights Grammy's, Justin Bieber will get the award of Demerit.

   Can't wait for the NFL Pro Bowl tonight said no one ever.

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again? That happens to me all the time.

   My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn't said anything, but I can bet that's what she is thinking.

   both of yall are idiots because southwest doesn't even know where they fly to

   That special moment when you enter a Starbucks and because the music is loud, you feel free to fart. Then you realize that you had your headphones on!

   have the comedians not woken up yet today or what? I can't post this crap

   Baby, Baby, Baby, NOOOOOOOO! - Bieber's first night in jail

   If you can't be with the one you love, tolerate the one you're with.

   It's a sick world where Paul Walker can die in an auto accident and Bieber walk away with a bad singing career... and breathing.

   Ladies, instead of asking, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” you should ask, “Does this fat make my jeans look big?”

   Day 88: I am thankful for my joke site. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as amusing on Facebook.

   I wonder if 3D printers print cookies? Because if they can't then they are useless...