Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the woman who long ago decided she'd just put a pen*s in her mouth for the fun of it, your application for sainthood has been filed.

   Unless your pickup line is: I have a full time job and I'm ready for commitment... I'm not interested.

   Oh dear god. Please get these feelings off of me.

   People who say, "Never mind" after bringing something up really piss me off. Why did you bring it up in the first place?

   I'm happiest when I'm asleep. It's my little temporary death.

   Obituaries are the first thing my Nana checks in the paper on Saturdays... I think she enjoys getting through to the next round.

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back. . .

   I think married people should spend a lot of time experimenting sexually. Unless the name of the experiment is "Let's see how long I can make him go without sex".

   I think being the winner of the Great American SPAM Recipe Contest is a perfect example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   I think I'd takes Joan Rivers opinions on how people look more seriously if she didn't look like something that sits on a ventriloquist's lap.

   Some critics say Governor Christie isn't fit to hold office. They should just widen all the doorways where he goes to work. Problem solved.

   Oh yeah Morgan Freeman... My Olympic moment involved an open bar. I don't remember the details, but I needed stitches.

   I'm thinking this Super Bowl will create the biggest buzz of all and more shotguns than ever.

   A fool spends his entire life denying that he is a fool. A wise man accepts and embraces that he is a fool.

   Your wife is so fat, when she runs she makes the mp3 player skip... at the radio station.

   Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?

   iPhone 6 will be wider, but at my age, I'll tap anything...

   I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

   I love you so much that if I had to choose between the last bottle of vodka in the world and you, I would make a toast in your honor.