Funny Status Messages

   I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.

   Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.

   They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.

   Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.

   it's such a turn on when my bf can take my bra off with one hand..

   Watching these individualized Facebook movies while I am alone stinks. There's no one to ask "What did she just do? or Who is that guy?"

   Joe Namath's coat saw it's shadow... 6 more weeks of winter.

   If Kenny Rogers, Cher and Bruce Jenner stood right by a really hot radiator,,, who do you think would melt first?

   Seriously, does it really look like I want to see videos of so many losers on the Face!

   There are ancient caveman hieroglyphics on Joan Rivers' uterine walls.

   I'm having a really bad hair day. All the humidity at this pool is making my hair frizzy, unmanageable, and hang outside my Speedo.

   I just tried to view on my Facebook (a look back) movie and had to agree that I was 18 or older before proceeding.

   I just did the Facebook movie thingy. Mine came back rated R

   Not to brad but you'll probably see a special on A&E about me one day.

   Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points

   I just put my left hand in the friend zone

   Time is running out for me to discover the meaning of life

   How does a woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months, go through all the pain, hold it in her arms, and end up calling it laquisha

   If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.

   Depression usually creeps in at the end of the football season, but this year I'll keep myself happy by viewing the highlights of Peyton Manning expressions!