Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   °ₒ°ₒ* #SochiProblems

   Be careful how many sticks and stones you throw at others because some are skilled at building catapults.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

   When the only light in your world is suddenly gone ...it's time to recharge your phone.

   Sorry I can't hangout, my phone is only at 61%.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex..

   The jobs report is so bad Obama should fire somebody, but that would only add to the problem.

   gaining weight while you owe me money.. is see that as a sign of dis-respect

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   Sorry I broke into your house, dressed your cat like Angela Lansbury, and filmed my "Meowder She Wrote" pilot.

   Any girls in a relationship; please write something.

   Men use love to get sex, Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.

   Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?

   The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the women

   You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

   Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...

   McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.

   What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

   Waffles are just Pancakes with abs.

   This is stupid. It's been 3 days with this. I'm going elsewhere.