Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Comcast acquiring Time Warner Cable is like Nickelback and Creed deciding to go on tour together.

   A flower delivery van pulled up in front of my house, slowed down, went past and then stopped at my 80 year old neighbor's house. HUGE bouquet of red roses with baby's breath...sigh. So close...

   my valentine is Manti Te'o's old girlfriend....forever alone

   Single Awareness Day....this is going to be a S.A.D. day

   hey...do we look like we into cheap and safe like candles and flashlights???....Obviously when it comes to lighting crayons on fire, we into much more than just cheap and safe!

   If you are a "hands on" type of person than junior high school sex education teacher is not the job for you.

   When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his junk and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows new junk. If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves I don't know what is.

   Every taco bell value meal should be called a number 2

   I save money on toilet paper by keeping the 12-foot long receipts I get after every purchase at CVS.

   I’m so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members.

   Humans have built civilization and traveled to the moon. It is a legacy for the world, but perhaps only a flicker of light for the universe.

   My friends call me "Cruiser", because I like fast cars, fast women.....and the back seat of police cars.

   Great day to be a canadian woodpecker with blue eyes and a 3inch beak

   So when love comes knocking at your door answer it stark naked

   Monday I drank a Shirley Temple to mourn her, today I'm going to eat a Caesar salad to mourn Sid, tomorrow I'm having a Bieber burger & crossing my fingers....

   myself. Sometimes I get ahead of

   Why you miserable cork-soaker!

   I'm the best dad in the world when i'm surrounded by strippers.

   This Valentine's Day, make sure to give her something you both can use and WANT... A divorce

   Malaria is a pretty name for a girl.