Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....

   Not to brag, but I'm pretty amazing at smacking asses

   So when do we start calling this the Second Great Depression?

   Looking for Ivan Drago at the closing ceremony.

   BREAKING: Jimmie Johnson just won the 2013 Daytona 500....

   He thinks taking a selfie is going to the bathroom.

   What is worse than lobsters on your tennis court? Crabs on your balls!

   KISS announced that they will not be performing at this year's Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony. Oh well. Hopefully we'll get a killer performance from the other inductee Nirvana.

   The worst thing in life is smiling at someone who doesn't even worth a kick in the crotch.

   Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.

   Laser tag is for pussies... "Taser tag", now thats a manly kinda sport.

   Took a smoke break...... Came back inside to watch the Daytona 500.... All of the cars changed paint scheme..... Wait, what? Huh?..... Have I drank that much????? Rain delay dumbass....last years race..... Slowly walks back outside for another smoke

   Like most Northerners, as the weather warms,,, I worry about the structural integrity of my igloo.

   Shout out to my parents... BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN HEAR ME.

   Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   Hmmm,, How about slippers made out of Legos,, So that when you step on a Lego,, you just get taller.

   That kid looks ALOT like me.... Somebody should warn him.

   Damn dog follows me into the bathroom all the time, so I told her it freaks me out. She then turned around and walked out. Now I am a bit freaked out that she understands sentences.

   You shouldn't be buying lobster when you're on a tuna fish budget. 

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should already be open when she brings it.