Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.

   Why do people insist on riding your front bumper going to work? Yeah, like they are going to get to where they're going any faster....

   I gave up organized religion for lent a long time ago...

   Props to Rahm Emanuel for doing the Polar Plunge.....now it's time for him to do the Pothole Plunge

   I can't honestly think of one funny p0st you have ever contributed here.

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?

   Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer?

   forget Mardi Gras....for me every Tuesday is a fat Tuesday

   What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

   Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

   So I am making a bean/corn salad/salsa recipe and it askes for ground cummin. I'm like... uh, eww and then I'm like well I have it and it's free but exactly how do you grind it?

   Hey CHOP, try spelling lessons for lent. . .

   I've been trying and trying yet so far no luck. I can't seem to get MapQuest to pull up a shortcut to Friday.

   I look at people sometimes and think, "for real? That's the sperm that won??

   Ladies, if your man compliments you on your new hairdo. You've a girlfriend.

   It appears Vladimir Putin has shoved the "reset" button up Hillary's Ukraine.

   On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.

   On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober."