Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, if your man compliments you on your new hairdo. You've a girlfriend.

   It appears Vladimir Putin has shoved the "reset" button up Hillary's Ukraine.

   On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.

   On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober."

   Hey Kanye, We might get another Kim Kardashian after Oscar Pistorius's trial.

   Mardi Gras reminds me how much inflation changes things. Beads used to buy you the island of Manhattan, now you only get two coconuts

   some of you people are taking the term Fat Tuesday way too seriously

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.

   Even death can't get you out of the friend zone... she'll be at your funeral like "he was like a brother to me"

   Cold beer is always a good idea.

   When Life gives you lemons, consider purchasing a different cereal.

   Native American strippers have an unfair advantage. They can make it rain every time they dance.

   I've wiped my bottom 47 times already. It's like there's someone back there with a paintbrush trying to p!ss me off.

   Russia and China are now allies, Iran and North Korea are building nukes and Obama is our Commander In Chief? Hmmmm....Where toast!!

   I hate when girls say, "you probably say that to every girl." don't you use the same resume when applying to different jobs?

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights

   I guess running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone

   It's official I'm suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"