Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You could pleasure me just by walking away.

   n't it ironic the idea that homosexuality is unnatural is shared by believers in resurrection, omnipotence and talking burning shrubbery.

   I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

   Keep calm and massively overuse a slogan

   Who wants to get deleted.. send me a game request. . .

   I bet you'll never see a fight break out in marijuana clubs.........

   My wheel mouse just hit 100,000 miles without an oil change. . .

   Some parents are so benevolent that put their lives in danger for their children - again for themselves actually- some other's

   My drug of choice is not a drug at all, it's a plant. . .

   Taking applications for a booty call, private message me, just don't be related. . .

   Cyanide, the one pill prescription cure all. . .

   I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment

   I went to the store to buy some beef jerky but my credit application was turned down.

   If all the women on Facebook were laid end-to-end I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

   So I got a handjob from this Blind woman the other day and she proceeds to tell me I have the biggest shaft she's ever felt. I then told her, "You're pulling my leg!"

   O.K.... Now it's the scientists' turn to hide,,, and the Higgs boson has to find them

   I'm in touch with my feminine side. ... She just doesn't know it yet.

   Sure, we can bury the hatchet. How about in your head?

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   I am so famous & powerful that every movie is released in a cinema near me.