Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!

   In case anyone was wondering.....I'm wearing Hanes by Target, and a black t-shirt by BC Cotton (with a bacon grease stain on it) #redcarpet

   Jesus: The Truth and Way...Cheeses: The Curds and Whey.

   It's Monday. I'm refreshed and ready to hate my Job

   What do you call a blond wearing a brunette wig? Artificial Intelligence.

   it never ceases toamqze me. You see someone who is friends with you on FB and they act like they dont even know you. Consider yourself un-friended Eminem.

   I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"

   I wonder if Sarah Jessica Parker auditioned for the lead role in "War Horse"?

   I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.

   Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.

   There hasn't been anything fûnný here since before al gore was born and the internet was 2 typewriters connected by string.

   I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching 'Night at the Roxbury.' "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"

   I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.

   The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.

   Every Steven Seagal movie is 90 minutes of me looking for the remote to change the damn channel.

   It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

   ßî†chës be trippin.. OK, I may have pushed a few.

   I was pîssëd when I found my wife's profile on a dating site. That lying bî†ch isn’t "fun to be around."

   The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.

   Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.